Supporting a partner with chronic illness is hard. Not because they’re a burden (they’re not), but because you can’t fix it. You can’t love it away. You can’t logic it into submission. And for the problem-solvers out there? That’s maddening.

But here’s the thing: your partner isn’t asking you to cure them. They’re asking you to see them. Hear them. Stand beside them—even when it’s messy.

Retire the Phrases “Don’t Worry” and “Just Relax”

We know you mean well. But telling someone with a chronic illness to “just relax” is like telling a phone with 4% battery and 18 background apps running to “just work better.”

It’s not calming. It’s invalidating.

Instead try:

• “That sounds really hard. Want to vent or problem-solve?”

• “I don’t fully get what you’re going through, but I want to learn.”

• “How can I make this easier for you today?”

Learn With Us (Even If You’re Not the One Sick)

My partner started sending me ADHD memes and reels. At first I thought he was just trying to be funny. But actually? He was getting it. He was listening to podcasts. Asking questions. Even brought it up in therapy (legend status).

Learning about your partner’s condition isn’t just thoughtful—it’s love in action. Whether it’s ADHD, EDS, POTS, or a delightful combo platter of all three, understanding the “why” makes you a better teammate.

Don’t Judge the Mask

People often forget I’m sick… because I’m good at hiding it. Chronic illness isn’t always visible. And when we’re out and about, looking “fine,” it’s usually because we used up all our spoons to be there.

Assume your partner is always doing their best. And if they say they’re struggling? Believe them—even if they look okay.

Ask How to Help, Not If

“Let me know if you need anything” is polite, but vague. Try:

• “What do you feel like for dinner? I’ll make something!”

• “That tricky phone call, would you like me to make it for you?”

• “Would watching a comfort show together help right now?”

Specific offers beat open-ended ones every time.

Validate. Then Validate Again.

You don’t need to “solve” their pain or “fix” their fatigue. You just need to say, “That sucks. I’m here.”

(Repeat as needed.)

TL;DR for the Supportive Partners Out There:

Your job isn’t to fix your chronically ill partner. It’s to walk beside them, carry things when they can’t, and high-five their wins—even the small ones like showering or calling Centrelink without crying.

You don’t have to be perfect—just present.